Today I woke up in a wonderful joyous mood so imagine my surprise when as I was getting the honey from the pantry I burst into tears and stayed there sobbing for a good long while. It just hit me how much I miss my stepfather, Ray, who passed away last year. I was taken by surprise at this wave of fresh emotion. The trigger must be stemming from the fact that last night mom got a contract on their home that has been for sale since his passing. She did not want to be there without him. I can see why though if it had been me I would have stayed because I hold tight to things. We are just different that way.

Last night I was on a high of sorts. See, mom had this running list of things she wanted to do for me when the house sold. A new gutters and roof for our home. Fixing my car (a 1985 mercedes named Abigail--oh, the poor thing needs so much work--you can hear me coming a mile away!) and books from Amazon. Maybe even some art supplies! Yippee! All of these goodies! That was my focus last night. I am ashamed almost to admit this.

Then this morning I asked my husband a question. He is a realtor who is helping my sister, another realtor, the one who has the house listed. I asked him if my sister mentioned whether or not the couple had any children. He said he did not know, kissed me and left for work.

That is when I ended up in the pantry in tears. I was a child there. They bought the house because I threw such a fit over it. They wanted another trailer. I had lived in a trailer too long and just wouldn't do it again I said. I would run away. They would never see me again. Ray bought the house, though looking back I know it must have been tight for them financially. He was a good man who asked for nothing in return except that I was happy, good, honest person. He taught me that I was worth something. I had not heard that before.

My life is so different because of him. If mom had stayed with my dad our spirits would have continued to be beaten down. There was so much pain. Then Ray came along and was such a bright positive wise light.

Today I am so very thankful for my time with him. I am doing my best to release the house and to think of the special memories that will be made there by this new family. I know that the selling of the house is a blessing for mom. I do, really and truly, hope that there are children so they can play and explore there as I once did.

Shew, crying can really leave us drained, can't it. I have to get it together, get off this computer. We have a homeschool family coming soon and I have pizza dough to get started on.

And a house to Swiffer. :)

Is there someone that you are missing today?



Jeanne said...

I miss my mom everyday...she passed away many years ago at much too young of an age. In fact I am almost a year away from the age she was when she died, so she is on my mind quite a lot these days. People always say losses like this get easier as time goes by and in many ways that is true. But still, that hole in your heart never never completely heals. I feel Mom with me all the time though. She passed away before my daughter was born and it has always made me sad that they never got to know each other. I like to think they would have been very close like I was with my grandmother. As for the the house your mother is selling, remember that the memories are in your heart and mind so you will always have them with you regardless of who owns the house.

Susan Tuttle said...

I know exactly what you mean Tricia--since you are an artistic and sensitive person you feel both joy and sorrow so deeply..and those two things are often not so very far apart...know what I mean?

I so enjoyed your comment on your 'dog sledding days!"--thanks for sharing that! Hey, maybe we were in the same ballet co.!


Kristen Robinson said...

Oh Tricia your words are so touching and lovely. How lucky you were to have a man like Ray bless your childhood what a gift. Thank you for sharing a bit of your heart with us it is truly a gift my friend!

Elaine Kerr said...

No tears on the keyboard, no tears on the keyboard (runs for kleenex).

Your blog is always such a good read...like those great movies that leave you all warm inside but not before they make you cry, just a little. Thank you for that, Tricia. And then there's your art. <3

Lee W. said...

My grandmother died almost 2 years ago. Every once in awhile, out of the blue, I'm overwhelmed with how much I miss her.I say "hi' to her in the my heard when that happens- I figure she's thinking about me too. I opened a box of stuff not too long ago and cried because it still smelled like her perfume. Miss you Mimi!!

donnaj said...

Sounds like Ray was a wonderful man who gave you many memories-it's no surprise you broke down~letting go of that part of your life.

Corey Moortgat said...

Tricia, I could just shoot myself! Can you believe that Smith Mountain Lake is exactly where we were?? It's too bad I didn't know you live there-we could have met for lunch or something!! What a strange coincidence though, isn't it?

And thanks for the kind comments on my post today- I'm so happy to hear that you're starting to do some family-centered art. I think you'll find that it's a lot easier than you may think, after you get over the initial new-ness of it. At least that's what I found myself.

Your paintings are looking great! I think your faces are just beautiful!

Jo Wholohan said...

Oh Tricia your words are so touching!!! How attatched we get to houses. We moved a lot during childhood so I dont really have that attatchment but my husbands parents still live in the house they bought when they were engaged, im sure DH would feel the same if they ever left it, so many memories!!

I think of my grandmother often, she died 10 years ago, she battled cancer, she was such a strong, amazing woman. It was only when she passed that we really knew how much she had struggled with her cancer, never complained about it!! She is my hero.

Mrs. Staggs said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Forever Young said...

this touches my heart. i miss my auntie essie who died 34 years ago when i was only 16. she taught me about love, not hate!

Anonymous said...

Hi Tricia- Your words brought a tear to my eye...in a good way! When you asked, :are you missing something today?: I absolutely had to say "no" because your post made me realize I should appreciate everything that I DO have. Thank you for that.
Hey, your art is just getting better and better! I am so impressed with this painting just below here! Must go check you out further now!
Have a great day.
jen duncan (dot typepad dot com)

misty said...

my mom just left for her long drive back to PA...not sure wheni will see her again, and i miss her so much already. i feel that drained feeling from crying and feelng sad, as much as it hurts, it feels good to miss someone so much... there something about missing someone...the power of it, the pull of it, it amazes me, and makes me realize what is important.
your painting in your last post is beautiful! xo

Blondie ~ Vintage Primitives said...

finding this blog for the first time. How bittersweet the memories you evoke.
I miss my grandmothers everyday. I think of them, speak of them and occasionally feel the need to weep for the loss of them.

rgr said...

how eloquently you have shared your feelings.
My Dad "went Home" in November. Last Sat. Hubby & I were looking at the old farm equipment diplayed at our state fair (Dad was a farmer) & I just had to bury my face in Hubby's chest. All I had to mumble was "I miss my Dad" and even in the sweltering heat, Hubby held me until I was ready to go on.
God bless you.

Judy said...

senational post Tricia - I love the depth of your blog.

A Fanciful Twist said...

Sounds like we are on the same wave length, of sorts...

My dad's name is Ray. An angel of a dad to me. I still have him and my mom. They are really amazing. So, I know I am lucky... But, whenever I think of either of them passing.... You might find me huddled in a snail shell, sobbing.... Lots of hugs. V

MNScrapbookmom said...

Thanks for the great entry Tricia. Although I am not missing anyone in particular right now, my family is going through some interesting times, and I too had a good cry recently. (A much needed one.) Thanks for sharing whats on your mind. Sometimes I am afraid to really write whats going on in my life... But perhaps, I should. Thanks for giving me the courage at least to think about it at least. :) {{HUGS}}

Jen Crossley said...

Tricia,I felt the pain in your blog My mum passed away 10 years this year I have for no reason burst into tears over the smallest thing out of the blue it is a true sadness.Your mum leaving the house must be a hard decision for her I find when I go to my mum and dads house I still look for her and it is a ache you never get over
Be strong

Shona Cole said...

Oh Tricia, what a touching post. As an immigrant to the US, I understand those pangs of longing to be somewhere familiar. I would be in tears if my mother decided to sell the house where i grew up, I like to know it is there if I need to go home. So many memories, a cliche I know, but it is the reality of life. We just got back from 5 weeks in her house, now my children know the place too. I feel for you, it is good to cry and recognise it and then get on with dinner :)

Mercer's Daughter said...

Who do I miss? My son, my nephew, my brother-in-law, my dad, and now my mom. Often I am suddenly crying when a touch more of reality tries to enter my mind.
The worse, my son's death, of course. A few months after he died, a thought from Heaven came to me: this is part of being his mother, would I've given this role to another woman?
Certainly not! This is what is required to be his mom.
And your grief is part of loving Ray. Gosh, what a great gift to you he was and still is.
Hold on to every drop of love he gave you, it will carry you through.....I promise!
Peace be with you,

katie said...

what a beautiful heartfelt post tricia. you conveyed your story and your emotions so clearly i feel my chest tighten and tears on the brink. how wonderful that you finally got the father that loved you and help you become who you are today. i feel this way most often about my mother, and it will come on me out of the blue. my thoughts are with your tender heart...

the LaNd of fOrGoTtEn dReAmS said...

ok. I needed a good cry too! I feel the same way.... I miss my baby girl and my dad.... I have days too & my dad has been gone almost 8 years now (it doesn't seem that long) & Sophie would have been 5 this Dec.& I miss them still all the time some more than others! We are only rich for the quality people who have touched our hearts & Cared to be there for us regardless.... they still live because we remember fondly! take care.

Pilar said...

Thank you for sharing your heart, soul and precious memories. I think Ray would be very pleased with the beautiful, caring woman you grew up to be.

red tin heart said...

I love that you shared so much of yourself, because at times it is so hard to do. I miss my Grandpa, he made me feel worth something. His and Grandmas house was the only place I felt safe at as a child. I think of him daily. xo nita