11.17.2009


freewriting this morning:
Do you ever think about people from your past? Maybe a friend who let you down or maybe you let her down though you never ever meant to? Maybe it hurts your heart to this day to think about it and you cry just typing her name into Google as you search with no luck once again? Maybe you have unspoken words still tucked inside, an apology, hoping for a chance to make amends. I know I certainly do. I woke up this morning thinking about an old college roommate. She's been on my mind for a few weeks now, thanks mostly to Facebook and finding mutual friends of ours.

It was 1994 when we parted on less than perfect terms. I was leaving Atlanta where we lived in a cute two bedroom apartment and headed north, destination undetermined, to start a new life with a boyfriend. I was young and headstrong. I believed in fairy tales and ever afters. Her words of caution only annoyed me and made me angry. I saw her as a big sister I didn't want. What I did want was for her to pretend to be happy for me just as I was pretending that I wasn't making a mistake. I turned away from the disappointment I saw in her eyes every time she looked at me and I left with barely a goodbye. We never wrote. I thought we would eventually. One of us. But we didn't. The relationship with the boyfriend ended a year and a half later though we are still friends.

Years later I can see my roommate for who she really was. A wise woman who I was blessed to know, who cared about me the way best friends do and who knew heartbreak in a way that I eventually came to know. She had only been trying to protect me, to show me how to be more loving of my soul, to learn to take care of myself and not be the princess that always needed saving. Why had I been so blind to that? I suppose I wasn't ready for the lessons she was trying to teach me. When I think about that time in my life I hang my head and make a wish that I will get a chance to tell her how to this day I draw upon her strength as I teach my daughter to be a strong independant woman. I didn't learn the lessons then when it mattered to our friendship but I did learn them. I think of her each time I make pasta with onions, olives and tomotoes or have cream in my tea or see a movie with Billy Zane. Maybe there will be a day I can tell her these things face to face. After all I do still believe in fairy tales.
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