Two things I Said I'd Never Do
How to make a long story a short one?
I have been here with this problem before.
I'll go back to the end of June.
My blogging absence began with a weak feeling, one that left me able to accomplish a only a simple small task before seeking the refuge of the couch, the bed. It was bad and I knew something was wrong but my mind refused to go there. My tumor marker numbers were good so I must be ok, just weak from the experience, healing from the graft. That's what I kept saying. When I feel bad I tend to shut off from the world instead of looking outside for help so I didn't really let on to anyone except Kelly and a few friends what was going on.
Fast forward a few weeks and I am in the hospital for an eight day stay. Infection in my skin graft area. Then the news that the cancer is still there. What? I was in shock. My world was reeling for a while, the breath knocked out of me. There were no more funds for going back to Mexico or to any other alternative health clinic. I was faced with triple negative breast cancer in my lymph nodes and in my chest. So…I prayed about it and I cried.
And then thankfully I found peace.
I decided to do the first thing I said I would never ever do and that was chemotherapy. It helps having a team of doctors that I absolutely adore and trust. The chemotherapy has in a way been easier than I imagined and in another much tougher.
The hair loss broke my spirit for a while. Then I ended up at the American Cancer Society for the free wig. I joked with a friend, how nice can a free wig be? I went in with low expectations but I shouldn't have. Not only was I treated like royalty there to the point of bringing out tears but there were tubs and tubs of wigs to select from. I tried on 4 or 5 and then saw the dark long hair. ohhh! my heart soared. I had long hair when I first met Kelly. Turns out that some kind soul had just donated a new human hair wig. And well, I love it.
It is heavy and hot but I feel good in it.
And then I have another wig which is not human hair and which I was told last night looks like a wig...ouch....I will photograph that one later.
Sometimes I just wear a scarf or little soft hat. The other night I went walking in our neighborhood with my bare bald head and the light breeze on my scalp felt so relaxing. Of course it was dark and the roads were absent of people but I am working up to bare.
Finally. Finally I can see my strength again.
Finally I am feeling like myself again.
The doctors are pleased with how I am doing. My tumor marker number is dropping and my wound is healing so much that it looks like I may not be needing another graft.
I am still doing my natural treatments. Still meditating and visualizing. So all is wonderful really.
The other thing I said I wouldn’t do is send Olivia to school. Homeschooling was so perfect for us but we made the decision when I was in the hospital and things were looking bad. The up side to this is that she is loving it. Simply in heaven with it! It's a small school near our home. Today is her fourth day there. "Disco Day," she said and she dressed very sparkly this morning...
I haven't adjusted yet to her not being here. I don't know what to do with myself...when I clean out the mess that is the art room I am sure I will figure it out though.