My mood has been this crazy up and down ride since starting the detox. I have never been on a roller coaster but I imagine is it like that. Sometimes I am totally fine. Yesterday I sat with friends while they ate lunch and I wasn't a bit unsettled. I nibbled my phi plus and sipped my water. Satisfied to the fullest. When I am alone in the house or when it is just Livi and myself it is the most difficult for me. I didn't realize the extent of my emotional eating habits and not being able to reach for that comforting bit of chocolate or that soothing and uplifting cup of tea with agave and cream leaves me in a difficult place. So what do I do? I pace and I pace. Really. I am going to leave a visible path on our hardwoods. Finally after a while of stewing over the fact that I have made this decision, that no one is making me do a detox, that I chose to start this, then I make myself write in my journal. There is a part of me that doesn't want to, that doesn't want to change. Too uncomfortable, my mind is saying to me.
The small bit of journalling I have done has really brought to the surface things that have been repressed for a while. I wrote about having to eat all the things on my plate as a child in order to not get a spanking. I even wrote about Olivia's birth experience which I had not been able to write about before. So, with this detox, I am having toxins exit my body (at least I am assuming that is why my urine is so funky!---sorry, probably too much info*!) and also some bad experiences I have been holding on tight to are leaving as well. Maybe at the end of this detox I will have a little ceremony where I burn all of my journal pages, releasing the words totally from my life. That thought feels very freeing.
The comments left to me on the last post got me through to this morning. Truly. If I had not posted about this detox journey then I am embarrassed to say that I might have called it quits last night. I was tired from waiting around at the studio where Livi takes dance. The children are there every night this week except Friday rehearsing for the Snow White ballet on the 3rd. Olivia is a bunny. The rehearsal was from 4-6:30 and I was right across the street from the coffee shop that makes my favorite chai latte. Grace's Pizza is next door and Pop's ice cream is around the corner. OMG! I was a grump when we got home. I told Livi that Mommmie needed a time out and I went upstairs, threw myself across the bed and cried. Silly now to write about it but I did. I bawled! All because I was tired and not hungry, but wanting. But wanting what I don't know. I wasn't physically hungry. Then I got up and walked on the treadmill. The deal is with this detox plan you have to walk 1 hour each day. The walk helped but I was still doubtful of my ability to see this through to day 13. I decided to just go to bed because I couldn't stand myself anymore.
Well, I woke this morning with a whole new attitude. See---up and down with the emotions. I am thinking that I can do this now. I am not sure if it was my imagination but I think there was a little less of the joint pain this morning. My right shoulder is cooperating and my fingers aren't as stiff. I am only 35. I shouldn't feel so achy should I?
So. My attitude is good. Today I feel very grateful for the detox. That is my focus for the day. Gratitude. We all have things to be grateful for right? No matter what we may be going through.
And I think it is like what Bridgette is saying in this post, "What gives us such a struggle makes the end worthwhile? " Thank you, Bridgette, for those words. I think I will write them on a piece of paper to tape up somewhere in the house so I can read them if I start the pacing again. :)
My art table, unused for a few days, and my big glass of water are calling me. I am hoping to get some art time in so I will have things to share. Have a wonderful day! Thank you for stopping by.